Friday, April 3, 2015

My Kids Say the Darndest Things...New Edition!

I periodically share funny things overheard in my house...and it's that time again. It's been awhile, so there are many!!

Our neighbors gave the girls Dora cupcakes leftover from their 2 year old's birthday. Charlotte's had a Boots decoration on it and she commented, "He's a monkey." Caroline (7) - never one to miss a beat - said dryly, "And he smells like one, too."

Emily (12) brought home a CD of music for her upcoming school chorus concert. There are a couple of songs from "Grease" included; of course, she has never seen the movie.
As we were listening to them, she suddenly exclaimed, "Oh!!!! I get it! It's like 'grease'! I always thought they meant 'Greece' and I kept thinking, these people don't sound GREEK!"

Caroline (7): Why do we have to eat *every* night???
Charlotte (3): Mom, were you ever a twin?
                      Do Max and Ruby have a mom? Where is she???

After seeing "Cinderella," Charlotte referred to the fairy godmother, only she called her the "heavenly
golf-mother." Another day, she called a lightning bug a "light-up fly."

Caroline (6), on a snow day: Does Grandma know we're out of school today?
Me: Yes, she saw it on the news.
Caroline, rolling her eyes: Old people are *always* watching the news.

One recent Wednesday, there chance of a little snow overnight. When I picked Charlotte up at church, she excitedly told me that they had done a snow dance. When we walked out into the precipitation-less evening, she peered up at the sky and said, "Oh, MAN! It didn't work!!"
We introduced the kids to "We Are the World"...I can't believe we haven't done that before, since it's The Most Epic Thing That Ever Happened in the History of Entertainment. They were familiar with some of the people and seemed to enjoy the song, even though they didn't understand just how incredibly amazing the whole thing was.
When it was over, Caroline (6) asked, "Was Bob Hope in that?"

My mom gave each of the girls a dollar bill. Presumably figuring it was a good question for a 1st grader, Grandpa asked Caroline, "Whose picture is on a dollar bill?" Charlotte (3) immediately piped up, "George Washington is on mine."

Charlotte (3): Mama, are my underwear on backwards?
Me: No, baby, they're on sideways.

On the way to church, passing some of the stately old homes near downtown:
Emily (11): If I was ever going to live in one of those houses, I'd make sure it wasn't haunted first.
Me: How would you find out?
Emily: I'd interview everyone who'd lived there who wasn't, like, dead and stuff.

Charlotte (at age 2) went to her room to get her little pillow out of her crib. She couldn't get it and she yelled out, "Attention please!! My pillow is stuck!!" 

Charlotte (3): Listen! I can pray! *singing* God our father, God our father! Bless our day, bless our day! How are you today, sir? Very well, I thank you! A-men! A-men!

Caroline (6) was playing wiffle ball with Eric. Girl's got skillz, so she hit one a long way and started running, yelling, "1st! 2nd! 3rd! TOUCHDOWN!"

Emily (11):
1) Is that an adult minute or an actual minute?
2) Isn't there some kind of golf move called a birdie?

Caroline (6): You know how when people get married and the woman is in charge?

"I don't want to do X today because this isn't the outfit I have planned for that." Emily, fashionista.

Snuggling up with my sweet Charlotte, I said, "My baby!" In the same nurturing voice, she sighed, "My grown up!"

Baseball with Emily: "Ok, so they have more points than we do?

Charlotte referred to her sleeve as an "arm holder."

Eric: Look, there's Peyton Manning on the front page of the paper.
Caroline (6): Who's Peyton Manning?
Eric, hiding his shock and horror: He's the quarterback for the Denver Broncos.
Caroline: Oh. I don't know anything about baseball.

Caroline (5): There's a light in the fridge; why do you never turn it off?


Charlotte referred to a car horn as a "honky."


Taking Charlotte out of the car, I commented, "Shew, this car is dirty - I need to vacuum it!"
Charlotte replied, "Go ahead. I won't judge."''

Emily (11), responding to news she didn't like: Dude! That's, like, total buzzkill, bro!!

Waiting in the car line at school, Caroline (6) said, "Is it okay that Grandma picks us up sometimes? Because that sign says No Trespassing."

At church, Emily told me she didn't want to get in trouble there, reasoning that "I have a pretty clean record here!"

Emily, to a sister, in a 'duuuuh' tone: "They don't even eat tacos in Harry Potter because they're British!!"
Caroline: Daddy, can I see your bald spot?
Emily: How can you NOT see it?

Caroline was wondering how Santa can be everywhere (like at the mall, drugstore, etc) and Emily explained her theory that all those Santas are the real Santa's helpers. After all, she reasoned, the real Santa is too busy getting ready for Christmas to be anywhere but at the North Pole.
Caroline: So he just stays there and never leaves until Christmas Eve?
Emily: Well, DUH, just for the Macy's [Thanksgiving] Parade!

Charlotte and I went to the post office. At the counter...
Charlotte: Can I have a lollipop?
Super nice PO man: I'm sorry, sweetie, we don't have any lollipops.
Charlotte: Mommy, let's go to the bank!

Caroline (5), in a sincere but lame-o attempt to pull rank: But I'm the 4th oldest!!

Caroline referred to a baby shower as a "baby wash."

Charlotte (2): I don't want to wear socks!! I want to wear my toes!!

Caroline: I am NOT changing my name when I get married.
Me: Ok. How come?
Caroline: Because I LIKE Caroline!!!

There was a dead possum in the street right in front of our house. (May he RIP.) Charlotte looked out the window and saw him.
Charlotte: What's that, Daddy?
Eric: It's a dead possum, sweetie.
Charlotte: HI, DEAD POSSUM!!! (pauses to observe) He's messed up!!

After a 1 mile fun run, Emily (10) reported, "I ran almost the whole way! I only stopped 4 or 5 times."

Caroline, 5, referring to clapping: I will get a clause of around if I wear my crown to music class! 

Emily, after spotting an old poster of a gymnast: Mom, it's that gymnast you like! What's her name...Mary Poo Retton?

Caroline asked her friend Kathryn if she knows the song "Sweet Caroline." She explained, "It's my song because my name is Caroline and I'm sweet. Except that Neil Diamond didn't know me back when he made it." Her tone seemed to indicate that now, Neil Diamond not only writes songs about her but he comes over for dinner every Thursday night. (If only!!)

Charlotte (2) as we drove by the mall: Look! It's the mall! It's so beautiful!

At the pool one Saturday, we were waiting out a rain delay. The girls, Caroline's friend and I were hanging out in the lifeguard station out of the rain. A lifeguard asked them where they go to school; each one answered and then Charlotte piped up, "I go to Mellow Mushroom!"

Emily: The inside of my nose smells like blood. I think it's bleeding in there. Here, smell it.


Emily: I like Sunday School because they give you doughnuts and you don't even have to pay for them!!!!

Caroline: Mom, do dogs hold their noses when they go under water?
Me, confused by the line of questioning: No...
Caroline: Oh yeah!! They don't have usable thumbs!
Although she meant "opposable," it was fairly impressive reasoning from a 5 year old.

Caroline, in one day:
1. It's hard having two sisters. One cries and one yells at me.
2. I'm too tired to go to bed.

We had a storm and the thunder scared Charlotte a bit. She asked if there would be more, then thought a minute and said, "Thunder is all gone. The End."

We were listening to Darius Rucker's version of "Wagon Wheel" - a favorite in our house.
Darius Rucker: baby plays the guitar, I pick a banjo now...
Caroline: How can a baby play a guitar?

Emily, walking into the kitchen: Mmmm, what's for dinner?! Smells like Cheez-its!!

Caroline: Charlotte is crying because she has a poopy diaper. And maybe because I pulled her hair a little.

Caroline:  Can I watch TV? Nothing with parrots, please.

Caroline, singing "Jingle Bell Rock" - the part that goes "mix and mingle in a jinglin' beat...": Books-a-Million in a jinglin' beat! That's the jingle bell rooooock!"

And finally, proof that the kids get their wacky senses of humor somewhere, a classic exchange between hubby and me...

Eric commented that he didn't think we would've been high school sweethearts if we'd known each other then, being that he was a jock and I was...not.
Him: You were probably too nerdy for know, not cheerleader-y enough!
Me: Suuuure, like you were fighting off cheerleaders left and right.
Him: Well, maybe not left and right...just left!
Me: So, they saw you and left?